Without taking away from the profession of psychoanalysis, I feel like I’ve somehow figured out that most conflict between 2 people can be measured parallel to how one would/should react when dealing with traffic, roadways, crosswalks and other drivers (I’m obviously applying the KISS method here with open licence, but maybe the most complicated things are really just a sum of their parts after all?).

So – I seem to be coming back often to this incident that happened to me at around 4 months sobriety and I wanted to share it – it doesn’t seem to matter the situation or the conflict that I’m embroiled in or giving advice on.  If I put it beside the ruler of the following scenario, clarity seems to result.

The incident (back in April): I walk out of noon meeting downtown, very blissed out from all the lovely god shots and full of granted serenity and acceptance for life and my fellow man.  Ten steps out the door, and across the street, I’m ripped from my reverie by a sliver car that is seconds/inches away from mowing me over in the crosswalk.  What Does Sadie Do (WWSD)?  Well – remember this is 4 months sobriety, so Sadie does what Sadie thinks is the only plausible response in this situation (which is no thought at all – just a reaction).  It happened to be raining that morning when I had left the house, so I happened to have a fairly large umbrella in my hand.  And without even pausing, I stepped back on one foot to avoid getting hit by the car, and within a split second leapt forward like a cat lunging for its prey, the umbrella double gripped and positioned like a Louisville slugger swinging for a fast ball, and I batted the side of the would be murderess Honda Civic as hard as I could (accompanied with an aggressive ‘fuck you’ that could have easily been heard 4 blocks away).  The guilty automobile was most certainly dented (not only do I have cat like reflexes, but I’m also strong as a bull).  The lady driver, from the brief moment where our eyes locked, was most certainly terrified and sped away in order to escape a situation where I might have seen a second pitch coming at me, and started swinging my bat around again.

So that’s what happened.  What I find most amusing about this story is the look of shock on people’s faces when I tell it – like how have I possibly existed this long in society without getting thrown in jail or getting my butt kicked by the bigger/stronger variety (I also shared it at a meeting shortly after and am still fondly referred to at the Monday night group as ‘slugger’).

I guess this question remains “When someone almost KILLS me with their car, should I bash their fender with an umbrella?”  It seems that most would agree the answer is no (which I’m sure it is), then how is this situation supposed to be handled?  And my answer – a whole hearted person with a strong sense of self and emotional maturity can FORGIVE people for their mistakes and imperfections (I’m 35 years old and I never knew that until recently…epiphanies for me seem to be slow coming).  The woman driving the car did fuck up and almost hit a pedestrian.  We are human beings and we fuck up all the time.  Maybe she was driving to the hospital to say goodbye to her dying husband?  Maybe she was texting her mother and didn’t see me?  Maybe she doesn’t like the color of my hair and thought I would look better as road kill and meant to hit me.  It really doesn’t matter her reasons, excuses, motives, or actions.  What matters is my RESPONSE to what she did.  And I’m hoping to develop an emotional maturity someday that will allow for my understanding, love, tolerance (sigh…damn L&T again), and forgiveness.

So the next time I’m staring down the grill of a luxury sedan, I will think, “Wow – that was a close one.  She must not have seen me”, and move along with my day free of rage and conflict.  This is model of practice, not perfection, so it’s something I’m working on, and getting slowly better at.  It’s just a matter of applying the rule in all situations.  Meaning – there are always really, really good reasons (she almost killed me with her car) to act in a negative and destructive way (bashing cars with umbrellas).   However, in this quest to heal this hole in my heart and develop some emotional maturity, I want to be a person who FOGIVES others (and ultimately myself).

SO when this happens:

• She said ________  to me behind my back, to my boss, to my boyfiend, to my face and it hurt my feelings, made me mad, upset me, attacked my character, (ahem, she drove her car into me at a crosswalk)
• She did _________ to me.  Like broke my arm, abandoned me, took my money, my job (OR drove her car into me at a crosswalk and almost KILLED me…it’s true).
• OR any other variation of the emotional metaphor for driving a car into me at a crosswalk and almost killing me.

I understand that it doesn’t matter the reasons, motives, excuses, or mistake the other person has made.  What matters is that my response isn’t one of the following:

• I attack back – physically or verbally (punch to the face, nasty email, snide comments, judgements, pointing out flaws, hurting their feelings etc.)
• Rationalized and justified anger (she almost killed me after all..it was only self defence.  She needed to learn a lesson etc).
• Passive aggressive behaviour (for all you ‘shocked’ folks who have said that you would never hit a car with an umbrella).
• Gossiped about them, sued them.
• Held a grudge or carried resentment.
• Got a gun and killed them (sometimes the world can make people reeeeally mad).
• Any other variety or metaphor for ‘hitting the car with the umbrella’…it’s all an attack.  Some attacks just have weaponry involved (or rain protective devices)…

Once again I need to constantly live by the motto “if I want love, I need to be loving. If I want forgiveness I need to be forgiving.”

That’s all

I said earlier that there are some moments in life that give me the waaaaaaahhhhh feeling (hallelujah choir, high note).  Like a cloud lifting, an epiphany, or a connect of understanding that wasn’t there before.

Thanks to my friend for sending this to me.  I think I know what I want to be now when I grow up…whole hearted

There were some GREAT catch phrases at the meeting last night.  My favorite – “If I’m going to hang out with alcoholics for the rest of my life, they might as well be sober.”  It never occurred to me until then, that alcoholics are the only people I know.  Before AA,  most of my close friends (family too, of course) were big drinkers – people who didn’t drink made me nervous and were avoided.  And now that I’m active in AA, I’m developing new friendships with a bunch of sober alcoholics.

I also heard the phrase “alcohol for me came in many forms” – which I guess relates to the previous posts about ‘propane’, drugs, food, relationships, and using whatever it takes to fill the hole in your heart.

On a different note regarding past posts, I was thinking about country songs and holes and remembered a gem (or, in my opinion, one of the best songs ever written)  by Townes Van Zant, “To Live is to Fly”.

  We all got holes to fill
  And them holes are all that's real
  Some fall on you like a storm
  Sometimes you dig your own
  The choice is yours to make
  Time is yours to take
  Some dive into the sea
  Some toil upon the stone

I would have loved to have met Townes someday, or even had a chance to listen to his next new song…unfortunately he died of alcoholism in ’97.

Makes hanging out with sober alcoholics seem like a pretty good idea…

I had no idea that sober people had so many opinions regarding the substitution of alcoholic beverages for their non-alcoholic counterparts.  A new comer (newer than me, that is) at a step meeting asked me if she could have a sparkling alcohol free ‘champagne’ for toasting at an upcoming celebration she was going to attend.  Without even thinking about it, I said “well of course.  It’s not alcohol and doesn’t have the effects of alcohol.  Why shouldn’t you?”   Boy, oh boy…did that get some gals fired up!!

Apparently this is a contentious issue…I had no idea, and was startled to have struck such a chord.  But, from what I understand in AA, there is no real governing body to enforce a ruling – so I guess it’s up to personal preference.  And seems this is a blog about my story (or mostly my opinions)…

Obviously if you are worried about triggering an allergy, then low alcohol beverages aren’t really a good idea (I think low alcohol beer is meant for social drinkers who enjoy beer, but want to legally be able to drive home or whatever…not for my people in AA).  It would be like having a low nicotine cigarette if you had quit smoking (which I have…and if I had 1 cigarette of any sort, maybe even a cigar, I would no doubt be slip sliding the next day into bumming my friends cigarettes and shortly after that just giving in and going back to smoking all the time.  I know how this works…I’ve done it maaaaany times, my friends).

So let’s just throw those drinks out of this discussion.  But completely non alcoholic drinks??  The argument given was that non alcoholic beer is just simulating the habit of drinking real beer…hmmm, so then wouldn’t drinking a soda water with lime be simulating a vodka with soda?  Wouldn’t a coke be subsituting a rum & coke? How does one now deal with a punch bowl under these rules and restricitons (hypothetically speaking – who has a punch bowl these days?). In fact, I used to enjoy vodka & water with a squeeze of lemon…jeez, I need to be careful when hydrating!?

And just to set the record straight – I was a bit of a beer connoisseur back in my drinking days…and I have not tried a non-alcoholic beer that tastes anything like actual beer.   Whatever flavor the makers of  ‘near beer’ are trying to simulate, they are way off.  It tastes like dirty sock water with fizz (I have yet to finish one completely, much less trigger a craving).

As a side note – one of the participants in this debate did share an experience of having to use some dark beer for a project in staining cloth or paper or something.  And how uncomfortable it made him to even be near beer…

Back in the 90′s there was this country song on the radio by Kathy Mattea called a “Whole lot of Holes”.  My little sister, probably 5 years old at the time, loved to sing along…except the pronunciation of the word ‘holes’ came out like ‘whores’ with her childlike speech…hysterical.  Especially when inserted or replaced with the actual song lyrics:

I’ve got a whole lot of holes (whores) in my life
I’ve got a hole (whore) in my bed where he used to be
There’s a hole (whore) in my head for letting him leave
and of course There’s a hole (whore) in my chest where my heart used to be
I’ve got a whole lot of holes (whores) in my life

Relationships – the easiest (and I believe most dangerous) way for an alcoholic to emotionally relapse.  Maybe even worse than food…but along the same lines.  Love (and food) are things we both need as human beings.   So it’s a really difficult to keep these things in check and desire them in a healthy and appropriate way.

I met this girl at the 2 o’clock meeting who flew across an ocean to come and meet a guy that she had only known for 5 hours at a mediation retreat the month before.   Of course it immediately went to shit upon her arrival and she has been going to as many meetings a day as possible to try and find her footing (poor thing…I feel for her.  I really do).

Mainstream society has romanticized this idea of ‘love at first sight’ or the behaviour of the ‘hopeless romantic’.  I think those are both just words for another kind of addiction…and dangerously dancing  too close to the fire.  We’ve got this ‘hole’ in our hearts where God/self love should be.  One coping mechanism is to fill it with booze and drugs…and those things give a sense of ease and comfort…and sometimes feel like a warm blanket to wrap yourself up in.  But they are never really a close or perfect substitute for the  love we need and crave (except for maybe herion…but that’s a different post).  BUT – take love…and then you’ve got the most deadly of all drugs.  The exact replica of what you should have for yourself and with God, but needed or taken from another person, to fill the hole in your heart.  What an amazing high.  What a scary and insidious drug.

I recently completed a step 4 and alongside the list of resentments I did a list of my sex conduct.  There were very few exceptions to my use of relationships and sex to get my love fix.  I would feel good about myself (momentarily) and less void if I was attractive, fuckable, and desperately lovable.  Without getting into too many details, there is apparently a whore in my chest where my heart should be too…

I wish the lovely lady that I met today a safe journey home, and an even safer journey through this maze of learning to love ourselves and finding God within us.

I must say that I take offense at the people who take offense at the mention of ‘outside issues’ at an AA meeting.  (quick explanation – an ‘outside issue’ is a phrase that some sober people like to use to control the podium at the meetings by making the speakers substitute the word alcohol every time they really want to say the word cocaine). These alcohol purists feel that the discussion of illegal drugs should be left at the NA meetings, and that AA should deal only with booze.  I disagree.

I must first say that I’m lucky in some ways – I’ve done enough drugs in my lifetime to kill a large elephant, and yet illegal substances never took a hold of me.  Alcohol was always my drug of choice.  It’s reliable, accessible, and socially acceptable…perfect for me and the life I wanted to lead.

However, that’s just my story.  And I really think that the manifestation of all addiction is the indication of the underlying emotional and spiritual malady.  Or the ‘Hole in the Heart’, that one of my AA friends very eloquently described.  We can try and fill it with food, relationships, money, drugs, whiskey, beer…it almost made my heart whole…

Anyway, there was a guy at the meeting tonight who said that his drinking led him to getting tangled up with things that ‘rhymed with propane’.   Then he continued to talk about how propane finally landed him in a treatment center.   His drinking and the propane left him powerless.

It almost makes me want to go and turn on my BBQ without lighting the burners…